Category Archives: humor

Dream Notes

Dreams from the last 7 months

  • A younger Asian American poet asks me for help with getting their work published. I help somehow and remember the feeling.
  • A body lies on the ground. A body sits near it. The sitting body begins to levitate. I am the one sitting.
  • I was working for the ACLU and hosted a social/work party.
  • I explain the Asian American class to Rushi. I play a video about it.
  • Dreamt that I visited Ian, Elizabeth, and Dannon (former housemates). Ian had a long, complex poetic letter for me. I felt weirdddddd.
  • Sid is on a talent show like American Idol, but the skill is cooking. I’m there to support him, which means I make out with him. For the finale, his parents are there too. I’m sitting between the two of them.
  • I visit SF but end up accidentally going on what seems like a date with an Indian man, the wrong one. He was a man sitting next to me at the bar in a restaurant while I was waiting for my real date. The man invites me to dance. I dance and on the dance floor, Sid shows up. I dance with with Sid and it feels so good, so right. I want to be with him, not the stranger. The other man notices and I explain who Sid is. The man leaves. I want to spend time with my real date but he is upset as well. He storms off. I cannot reach him. Eventually I do, but he avoids the topic. I go to see him and knock on his door late at night.
  • I got married to a Viet guy I didn’t know as well as I wanted to. But he was great. The wedding was interesting… like we posed for pics at the altar. We had great sex in the courtyard honeymoon suite of the hotel. I was surprised.
  • I am in a science fiction/alien movie, but the Black/POC version. Mostly, the dream devolves into me and Tony Jack walking around and eating gluten free cookies while analyzing why the department is not as successful as it could be. People are beginning to run away, maybe there are predators after all. I’m afraid.
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Filed under humor, prose

Things heard at an Oakland public school*

I appreciate working with young people. They are literally our future and I tremble full of fear for where we are going as a society. I am definitely a disgruntled employee who is following her heart to different work, yet I think you would agree with me still about how frustrating some of these moments are. Sometimes I imagine leaving with a lot of maturity and grace, but moments like these make me want to pack my bags, drop some F-bombs, and drive off to a mental health institution. Like another teacher said, “OUSD is PTSD.”

 

 

Staff: The big copier is out. Note that the copy count was over a million copies!

 

Faculty: I wasn’t getting reimbursed for the art supplies I was buying.

Other faculty: Yea, I buy my own paper.

 

Principal: Mark is our full-time tech volunteer. [Our school now has 600 laptops and no tech staff.]

 

Faculty: …So, how many fights were there today?

 

Student: Yea, where is Mr. H (principal)? I never see him.

 

Me: I don’t have the online supplies request form.

Staff: Honestly, somedays, I have so much to do I forget to look at it and send people their supplies.

 

Me: Why are there 6 copy machines in this room and none of them work?

 

Faculty: They told us to practice the SBAC [online] test. Then they said, “But we’ll give you the laptop carts in January. No, make that April.”

 

Teaching Coach: Yea, see you’re slowly becoming a curriculum writer.

Me: …

 

Principal: Some people are just ready to work 70-80 hour weeks.

 

Principal: This is why I like young teachers.

 

Principal: I really don’t want to be dismissive but I hear you want me to change things. I want to be more solution-oriented.

 

Principal: I had to make a decision about the [curriculum], so I made the call from the top… [two minutes later:] I’m not the boss. I want this to be a collective.

 

Principal: I’m so sorry I missed the restorative justice circle. It was my fault I double-booked myself.

 

Assistant principal, after teachers chose an Asian American student to receive an award: Can we choose someone with a little more color?

 

Me: I think I’m going to buy books on racial formation, Asian American history, gender, and sitting with difficult emotions and place it in these male principals’ mailboxes.

 

 

*Obviously names have been changed for privacy.

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Filed under education, humor, Oakland, prose, race, violence

The Application- A Leftist’s Dating Guide*

Needing a date, wanting a relationship?  Not sure how to go about sifting through your online dating profile messages?  Or heck- even those Facebook profiles?  Can’t zoom in on that perfect community organizer? No worries, we’re here to help! Introducing “The Application!”

 

The Application is a leftist’s best friend in the dating world!  Complete with multiple-choice questions, short response, and essay questions, The Application will help you make decisions on whom you should spend your time.  We understand that making time outside of your Marxist study group, organizing youth, and campaign strategizing is hard!  So make dating simpler with The Application!

 

Side-effects may include clarity as well as the likelihood of anxious, upset stomach.  1 in 2 of our users report having lost all friends and potential lovers.

 

1)    Are you a person of color?  If not, what was your class background growing up?

 

2)    What was your class background growing up?

 

3)    What percentage of time do you spend talking in a conversation?

a.     50%, I try to ask questions and listen actively
b.     90% This is my show, baby, and the world’s a stage!  If I get to teach you something that’s a plus.
c.     25% I’m just not that interested, I guess… but I’ll lead you on…
d.     2% people scare me and I’m a huge introvert

 

4)    True or false: It matters that my friends like you.

 

5)    Can men be feminists?

 

6)    Have you ever used your leftist ideals, work, or persona to actively woo someone? Passively?

 

7)    What is your stance in queer marriage?  Hint- marriage ain’t never done nothing for nobody but the state.

 

8)    Should the revolution ever become armed or always non-violent?  Please explain in a 5-paragraph analytical essay.  Be sure to cite evidence from radical writings.  Extra points for quoting Fanon.

 

9)    Define the following: feelings, needs, and desires.

a.     Do you know the difference between these and can you communicate them with me?

 

10)  When we disagree, will you

a.     take time to have a discussion with me and—depending on the topic—allow for the possibility to decide to disagree.

b.     agree with me.

c.     end all communication and our relationship.

d.     raise your voice and put me down while referring to examples that prove I’m wrong.

 

*This is a sarcastic, facetious piece of writing.  Yet we also know jokes are informed by truth.  A person’s answer to number 1-10 all matter to me, and the question’s importance ranges like they will for other leftists.  As with any healthy relationship though, it really comes down to #9 and 10.  And lord have mercy… someone answer #9-10 correctly please!

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Filed under gender, humor, love, prose

My Father, the Charmer

I brag that my father is actually a poet (in addition to his acclaimed career as Vietnamese gangster and home-karaoke star).  I give him full credit for conditioning me with his charm.  Here’s a sampling of the greetings he shouts at me regularly:

  1. Why are your eyes all red? (You do NOT want to know.)
  2. Oooo, why are you dressed so nice today?
  3. Hmph. I liked your other outfit better. (He’s a fashionista.)
  4. Why is your face so pimply? (Because you’re stressin’ me out!)
  5. What did you eat? Why is your butt so big?  (Actually credited to my mom because I am an equal opportunity truth-teller.)
  6. God! What’s wrong with your skin?!

Yep.  That’s my dad.  I hope this explains my unique personality.  Seriously, I owe him for helping me be so at ease and confident in social situations.   These questions are often followed by inquiries into my health, sanity, or dating status.  These concerns  probably are all related ‘cause you can’t marry off a crazy chick, can ya?  Always looking out for me, dad.  You’re the best!

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Filed under asian americans, gender, humor, immigrant, prose